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17.10.2012 11:46 Day 36
Disease after-effect
Yesterday, at 10 pm, I received a phone call from the chief of mom’s work, Svetlana Valentinovn, who asked me to come urgently. Mom got sick. When I came, I saw her in a terrible state. I tried to wake her up, but she didn’t reply to me. She was lying with her eyes open and wheezing. Then she woke up, started talking, but then couldn’t recognize me from time to time. She started telling something, then forgot and it was like a mess in her head. I got scared.
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15.10.2012 13:23 Day 34
From scratch
I cannot start writing. I’m sick… both morally and physically. Actually, these feelings always come together. I’ve just seen the blog’s promo. I stopped looking in the mirror, because of my rapid aging. Women will understand me. All the women, despite their way of living, notice every wrinkle and can barely get used to them. However, they still have time and years, and I never had them. In half of the year after taking medications, my face was covered with small wrinkles, and in two years I turned into the crone of 100 years. I couldn’t put it up with my aging. I cannot find proper clothes, which will go well with my face. I’ve lost the will to write my blog, and I can barely find proper words. I started writing about one thing, but then my sore inside feeling just broke me down. This breakdown is usually accompanied by physical pains. I’ve had cough, temperature, candidosis in my gullet. Over and over I have to take medications.
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12.10.2012 13:40 Day 31
“Shagged”
My business was dangerous and risky enough, but brought good money, and it was hard to abandon from them. Time went by, and it was harder to find drugs, however we couldn’t stop already. This is a nature of any human being: you seem to have everything, but it’s still not enough. We are no exception to this.
For around 5 years, we managed to stay in the shadow, no one had an idea about the source of our income. We never tried to show off or something, we didn’t waste money either, but there were situations, when we were on the verge of fail, and “shagged” meant that life was over - 15 years of colony or execution. Once, we sold the forest for a furniture factory. Some part wasn’t paid off yet. I was heading to that place with my driver. We never talked a lot at the deals like that. We quickly handed the pack with money, while passing by in stores, and then escaped. So we met not far from the factory, and I hardly sit into the car, when saw how two guys detained the guy who passed money to me. Luckily, I had an experienced driver, and we managed to escape. However, they noticed us and started following in the end.
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10.10.2012 08:52 Day 29
A few words about my mentors
I don’t have a father. I actually used to have him, but I didn’t know him and never wanted to know. My grandmother always said that he had broken my life. I never listen to mom, when she talks about him, especially if it’s something good. Although, he is not alive, and it’s better to say nothing, than say bad things. I dreamed about father from the early childhood. I dreamed that he will release from prison and stand on the right path. Mother’s friend, Sasha, was always like a father for me. He was a good neighbor, and as I remember, he always took care of me. He bought me gifts, food, gave me money, when we already left our home. He would never ever pass by. When I was a kid, I thought that mom intentionally hid the truth that Sasha was my father. Actually, he had his own family. I was so jealous of his son, but tried not to show that. He died a year ago. I cried. It seemed that I lost my father. I loved him.
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08.10.2012 10:25 Day 27
His will be done
I started writing about the first date with the man I loved. It all seemed so beautiful and I have a lot of moments to remember, but having written the first draft page, while and recalling and reasoning, I remembered all the darkness of our life. Perhaps, this is all because of my depression. I don’t know.How smart and tactical this person was… Having talked to me two times only, he could read me like a genius psychologist. Moreover, he could do it far ahead, even though during our first date I tried to seem mysterious and complicated. Later, when I lived with him, I never stopped wondering his intelligence and insight, his ability to manipulate people for his own goals. Me and my pregnant paunch were among his ideals and goals. He wanted to have a lot of money, to eat well, to work less and bum around someone.
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05.10.2012 14:29 Day 24
There is no way out of destiny
There is a saying, that every bullet has its bullet. I visited my husband’s house three times before we actually met. When I suffered from my miserable love, my friends tried to distract me somehow and wanted to introduce their friend Eduard, but we never managed to catch him at home. They highly praised this person, and I do understand why. He was a good friend and a very kind person. However, he didn’t become my husband in the end. Later, especially when my husband betrayed me, I thought: “Why wasn’t this guy at home all at the time?”.
The man, I’ve lived my whole life with came to it accidentally. At the time I was already injecting and earned good money. Once, I traveled to Przhevalsk with one familiar guy...
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03.10.2012 09:51 Day 22
Childhood's end
When I was in a fourth grade student, we got a new teacher – Natalia Nikolaevna. Before she came to our class, I usually had had B’s, but later they changed into C’s and F’s. She started to insult me. She could push me and slap in class, if I couldn’t answer her question. I didn’t want to study. I tried to hide the school diary and copybooks from mom. We did the homework together, therefore all the time I had to start a new copybook. Teacher punished me for that.
Once, mom came to school to learn the reasons of my F’s grades. I’ve no idea what they discussed, but when the teacher came to our class, she was so indignant while telling the whole class that mom had actually no clue in teaching. I was so ashamed and I was mad at mom. Why did she come to school? In the morning Natalia Nikolaevna, hit me with a book and broke my nose, so it started bleeding. Another time she smashed my head up on the desk. Finally, I started to miss classes.
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01.10.2012 12:02 Day 20
The First Blood
If I gave a birth to my boy earlier, I would already have a grandchild, the peer to my son. But this age difference has never been a problem for both of us. At least this is what I think. I fully understand him, live his life and share his interests. We are like friends. He has no secrets from me: he tells me absolutely everything and I also share my own stuff with him. Even if it’s something really bad, sooner or later, he still tells me. From the early childhood I tried to instill him one rule: “You won’t be punished for the truth, cause sooner or later, when lie is revealed, it won’t be forgiven and you will have to face the double responsibility”. At least, in his relationships with close ones he never lies. He is very straightforward. Sometimes, when there is a case, when you have to manipulate somehow, he never does it. He either cannot or simply doesn’t want to.
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28.09.2012 12:51 Day 17
The best years in my life
I got pregnant very late. For 5 years already I have stopped thinking and dreaming about a child, when I found out that I was five-months pregnant. As the majority of drug addicted women, I never had regular periods, therefore the delay was not an indicator for me. I started to gain some weight, but always thought that it was a result of the improved appetite. Basically, all the addicts have poor appetite, even though sometimes there is a craving for fruits and sweets. The body needs energy, therefore you strenuously start eating.
A friend of mine noticed my plumpness, which seemed ho her far from normal. She noted that my body changed unevenly – the face was skinny, whereas belly and hips gained some weight. She was the first one to propose the idea of my pregnancy. For me, it was like bolt from the blue. I was shocked. Until the last moment, I didn't believe that it all was for real.
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26.09.2012 09:23 Day 15
Two hours to death
In the beginning of 2006, I used to live at my relative’s place in one room with my cousin. He asked his mother to allow me to stay there, because doors and windows in our house were broken and it was really cold. I have no idea where mom lived, but she came to visit me every day. Once, she didn’t appear for three days already. Our next door neighbor called me and said that someone in our home was moaning for three days already. I rushed home right away.
Having arrived home, I became so scared. Covered by blankets and with fever, mom lied on the bed. I didn’t know what to do. I remembered about the doctor, who used to treat mother every day and went to see her. She said that the working day was over and none of the doctors was already there. She gave me some medications from temperature and asked to come back tomorrow, so we will go to see mom together.
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